Stalker corner for 7/12/2016

My stats for yesterday. Not including steps, a picture, my weight, or budget...which I just decided today to track. Those will be included in future daily posts

$100 a week goal met!

Of panic attacks, and self care

I had a panic attack today, for the first time in a month. I didn't get much sleep, and yelling/fighting around me is a big trigger, especially when I am too tired to put up mental defenses. I had planned a nap, and then goal-directed activities for after work, but I was too frazzled to do any of that. I ended up playing a game, as and listening to podcasts, and I now my brain is deciding that I'm a lazy piece of shit. Fuck you, brain. Here is a reminder of what I accomplished today, before I left work:

-I spent 5ish hours doing prep work to make pendants/magnets like this:

I cut out and glued about 100 pictures to the flat marbles. They are ready to be made into awesome things for my next craft show. 

Speaking of craft things, I also made about 50 wish bracelets. 

These may look simple, but they are surprisingly time consuming. 

I optained 2 new qualifications on UHRS Clickworker. I'll be able to do these pretty fast, and make a decent wage if I do them for an hour straight. I made about $35 in a little under 4 hours, which rounds out to minimum wage. Not too shabby for an Internet job. It's mostly search engine evaluation. The goal is to pay off my $1300 PayPal credit account by the end of July with that. On my way, but I need to step it up. 

So no, brain. I was not a slug today. I accomplished things. Self care is necessary some times. 

Current feelings

Angry, and fed up. Really fucking tired of people hiding important information from me. Angry that all my stuff is spread across 3 different houses, and I can't find fucking anything. Angry that I can't consolidate my stuff into my current living space because someone else's oppressive amount of shit is taking up all the space, and giving me nightmares of shit avalanches. Angry at myself for making poor decisions that are detrimental to my mental health. Angry that I didn't make my low benchmark goals. Angry that even though I'm being kept in the dark, there seems to be some major shut going down. And I have to deal with it alone. So done today. 

Weekly Goals

-walk 10 miles

- drink 180 oz of water

- make extra $100

- 50 squats

- 100 sit ups

- 1 blog update

- apply to 7 jobs

-do 1 fun thing without feeling guilty

I set a bunch of low key goals for myself this week so I don't get discouraged. I'm making pretty good progress on them so far. I've gone to the gym 2 days in row, and I only have 3.5 miles to go. I completed the job hunting and water goals (and I suppose this takes care of the blog post. ) I have to keep building momentum. 

Minutiae Corner

Minutiae Corner will be a daily record of the small changes I am making in my thinking and behavior that will lead to larger transformations down the way.

Situation: I had a craft show last night. Two situations usually arise from this:
I withdraw money for singles and fives, intending to rede posit it after the show, and instead I spend it on a bunch of stupid shit that I don't need.
I will set a high profit expectation, not meet it, and work myself into an anxiety spiral where I suck, everything I make sucks, and I should quit right now. I would also typically complain to anyone who would listen, and spew negativity all over my (ex) fiance's day.
Solution:
I counted the money, including any profit I made, and deposited it back into the bank (the original money goes into checking, and I will transfer the profit into my growth account)
I decided to take the attitude of "As long as I leave with more money than I started with, it was a good day." When anyone asks, I will tell them that.

Situation: I forgot that I brought my work phone charger home, and my phone died pretty  early in the day. Usually this would prompt me to run out on break and buy another charger, despite having 3 such chargers at home already.
Solution: I will charge my phone in the car on work breaks. This saves money, and a frantic trip to the store.

Situation: I forgot my refillable water bottle at home. Normally, this would prompt me to get a soda or water from the vending machine, or even go out and buy another expensive refillable bottle.
Solution: I cleaned out the travel mug I brought for coffee, and filled it from the water fountain.

Deep breaths and baby steps, fellow travelers. What small changes did you make today?

Hello, Travelers

“Find out what you're afraid of and go live there.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk

My future just became very uncertain.

It was all scripted out - my future husband and I were going to spend our days creating a life for ourselves in Delaware, building a business and raising a child, growing old together. We were a few short months from starting that path.

That relationship has ended. We are still close, but no longer so intertwined. And my future is an exciting, terrifying blank page. I need to figure out who I am, and learn how to be alone again. I need to reconnect with people I lost along the way. I need to overcome the finacial and psychological hurdles that threaten to keep me in stasis. I hope you join me for the journey.